Somewhere Between Joy and Anxiety
Learning that God's presence isn't waiting on the other side of my feelings
The journey to joy is apparently being paired with anxiety and maybe a little anger.
Okay, stay with me.
For the first time in what feels like forever, I’m beginning to feel normal. (Thank you, Elle the OT.)
But here’s the strange thing: feeling more normal hasn’t made me less emotional. It’s actually given me more space to feel things.
When you’re constantly surviving, masking, compensating, or just trying to make it through the day, there isn’t much room left over for processing emotions. Everything gets shoved into a corner labeled “deal with later.”
Now that some of those systems are finally working better, it feels like all the feelings I didn’t have space for are showing up at once.
Even this morning, I woke up anxious from a dream that we went to the three parties on our calendar tomorrow in the wrong order and somehow missed every single one of them.
A ridiculous dream, right? And yet my body woke up convinced we were in crisis. Now I’m carrying around a bundle of anxiety over events that haven’t even happened yet.
The question I’ve been asking myself lately is: How do I find—and keep—joy when there’s suddenly room for so many emotions?
Granted, I’ve never been the most emotionally stable individual. Blame the undiagnosed ADHD and the fact that I spent most of my life masking. Somewhere along the way, I learned how to function before I learned how to process.
As a result, I sometimes feel like a grown woman with the emotional skills of a seven-year-old. So yes, I occasionally throw myself a pity party within the confines of my own house.
I also think I assumed adulthood would eventually get easier. Silly me. Although, to be fair, some parts have. I pay most of my bills on time thanks to autopay. I usually put my keys in the designated spot when I get home. And more often than not, I remember to put the peanut butter away after using it. Progress.
But other parts of adulthood still feel surprisingly hard. Feelings, for example. Trying not to people-please. Caring entirely too much about what everyone thinks of my appearance, my choices, my work, or my life. Learning that healing doesn’t automatically erase insecurity. Discovering that growth doesn’t eliminate anxiety. Realizing that joy and frustration can occupy the same space.
Maybe that’s what nobody tells you.
Joy isn’t the reward you receive once you’ve conquered every difficult emotion. It’s what grows alongside them.
Maybe joy isn’t the absence of anxiety. Maybe it’s the confidence that anxiety doesn’t get the final word.
Maybe joy isn’t pretending everything is okay. Maybe it’s trusting that God is still present when everything feels messy.
Lately, I’ve been wondering if this is what maturity actually looks like—not becoming less emotional, but becoming less afraid of our emotions. Not stuffing them down. Not letting them run the show.
Just acknowledging they’re there and inviting Jesus into them.
A few weeks ago, I probably would have assumed that feeling better meant feeling less. Less anxiety. Less frustration. Less overwhelm.
Instead, healing seems to be giving me the capacity to feel more. More joy. More gratitude. More hope. And yes, sometimes more anxiety too.
But maybe that’s because healing isn’t about becoming numb to hard emotions. It’s about learning that they don’t have to control us.
Psalm 16:11 says, “In your presence there is fullness of joy.”
Not in perfect circumstances. Not when all of our questions are answered. Not when we’ve finally figured out adulthood. In His presence.
The older I get, the more I’m convinced that God isn’t waiting for me on the other side of my feelings. He’s already here in them. Anxiety and joy. Frustration and gratitude. Questions and faith. Somehow He is present in all of it.
And if joy is found in His presence, maybe I don’t have to chase it or manufacture it. Maybe I just have to keep showing up to the God who is already with me.
Today, that’s enough.
- Reanna
If you enjoyed this post, would you consider buying me a coffee? It helps me keep writing and encouraging others with the love of Jesus.